hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
