The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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