i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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