This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
