I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
