remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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