i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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