my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
