A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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