I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All I want is dick and wine.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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