I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
