i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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