i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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