i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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