I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
