Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish I only lived at night.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
