when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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