oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
