No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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