She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
