i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
