U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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