I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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