I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
