so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
