she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
