He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
