grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My bed smells like the plague
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