I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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