dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
