If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Randomize
