So drunk its hurt
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
