Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
