Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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