My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
