I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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