apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize