So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
