I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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