If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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