i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
