just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
is this the sara with the beer cane?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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