I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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