Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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