I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize