You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
