Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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