A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
