I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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