i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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