I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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