I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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