Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
