we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
