I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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