I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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