i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
