I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
