The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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