there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize