Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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